Hello Australia. I’m Carl. You might remember me from the time I was smuggled into your parliament and waved about during question time. Yes, I’m that lump of coal.
I never expected any of this. Didn’t expect the overnight fame and never sought it out. And honestly, I’m rather embarrassed to be involved at all. I often ask myself, why me? Why couldn’t it happen to Jimmy? He was always performing musical numbers. As a young fossil, we all thought if any of us were going to make the national stage it was going to be Jimmy. But as fate would have it, I was the one chosen from the millions of tonnes of coal your country mines each year.
For those only familiar with my few minutes in the national spotlight, let me explain what went down. It was a rough week and one I won’t easily forget. I’d been having a nap for about 300 million years when I was woken first with drilling, then by miners with a jackhammer. You know how it feels to be woken by a lawnmower on Sunday morning? Well, a jackhammer is like that but about a thousand times worse. It’s a pretty rude way to meet your first humans.
After being taken in a truck to a storage pile I began to calm down as I was with several thousand of my friends. But my relief was shortlived as I was kidnapped. A darkened bag lined with bubbles of air was put over me and I was transported to a second location. I later learned this is a torture method known as “Australia Post”.
After many days of being transported, my bag was torn open. The air was cool and I was placed on a desk made of very fine mahogany. Some of my best friends were mahogany before they were fossilised. I overheard someone mention this was Canberra and could sense this was not going to be a place I’d enjoy.
It didn’t take long before I was being moved again. What was to become of me, I had no idea. Was I to be burnt? Used as paperweight? Put in a Christmas stocking as a novelty? Sadly, the truth was much closer to the last option.
That afternoon I was smuggled into the House in nothing more than a Coles shopping bag. Haven’t they heard? Those things are bad for the environment.
From there, you saw what happened next.
I felt used; Used to scare one group of people, and used as an object of amusement for the other. You could say I was the punchline in a cheap gag.
It was abuse (and my sort are okay with being burned alive). I wasn’t comfortable with being a prop. Take me or leave me, but don’t parade me like a freak, to be subjected to judgement from all sides. I was so embarrassed and judging by the colour of his face, so was the chap I was handed to after I’d been waved through the air.
After that day I was all people were talking about. It was embarrassing I couldn’t go outside. Lots of people were yelling and writing nasty things about me. I don’t want to cause any trouble. Frankly, I was pretty happy laying in the ground. It was cool and quiet and I wasn’t getting trapped in the atmosphere.
I realise I’m out of fashion. Why our popularity has lasted this long is difficult to work out, we’ve had our time in the sun. And speaking of the sun, that big ball of burning gas, why don’t you use that more for energy. I hear it’s pretty good at the job we’ve been doing. We’re fossils. Literally. But after being used as a prop for dinosaurs to use to defend continuing to burn those like me - the irony wan’t lost on me.
Like all people who are famous for a short time, it understandable you ask where are they now? Well, I’m still in Canberra. I spend my days in a storage cupboard. It’s dark and uneventful, just how I like it. And I can hardly go back underground now. I’m happy to slip out of the spotlight. Oh, and I’ve just learned what coral is. It’s very pretty and so are the fish that live on it. Bet your tourists would enjoy that more than anything in Canberra.
After all I was put through, I don’t actually have any hard feelings. And although I would like an apology, I say let bygones be bygones. It’s ancient history, kind of like most of us fossil fuels - lol. Sometimes I think back to this whole fiasco and wonder how Scott Morrison is doing these days? After a stunt like that I’d be surprised if you’d ever heard from him again.
