***AN IMPORTANT HEALTH MESSAGE***
Doctors issue alert over new strain of coronavirus: Man-COVID.
Fears were confirmed yesterday when doctors revealed the discovery of a new strain of coronavirus.
Citing its virulence and debilitating effects for 50% of the population, the condition has been dubbed "Man-COVID".
Sufferers say the symptoms are worse than regular COVID and include cough, sore throat, shortness of breath, aches and fatigue that results in total incapacity to work, either at a job or around the house.
Dr. Patricia Wallace of the Alfred Hospital said it was unlike any virus she had seen and had confounded her team. "After an initial phase that patients describe as feeling near death, we find it tends to clear up by the weekend. Symptoms then seem to mysteriously re-intensify on Sunday evening", Dr Wallace said.
"Oddly the best treatment seems to be having a Saturday golf game planned." Even with the use of PPE, several male members of her team had succumbed to the virus.
Dr. Wallace's team also observed that while female COVID patients tidied up and even helped feed other patients, despite being on ventilation themselves, the male patients just groaned that they could literally die from the sniffles.
Speaking from his sick bed via Zoom, Man-COVID sufferer, Eamon Duntz, told us, "If I cancel Friday night pub with the boys, then the virus wins. Not on my watch." Asked if the energetic display meant he'd be able to return to his job before the end of the week, Duntz claimed that he couldn't because he expected a wicked case of the squirts coming on. When told that this wasn't a known symptom of Man-COVID, he appeared delirious before turning defiant, "I could have a brain tumour. I've Googled it."
The patient then paused to ring a bell to alert his girlfriend about his empty juice cup and ask for a cool cloth to dab his forehead. Luckily for Eamon, with all the damage it can wreak on the male body, Man-COVID leaves the sense of entitlement largely unaffected.
