Donald Trump has said a lot of contentious things in the past couple of years. One I’d like to focus on is “it’s a scary time to be a man” that he said in the wake of the interrogation of Brett Kavanaugh before Bretty's appointment to the US Supreme Court. Some people have commented satirically, but I don’t think we’ve heard enough of an adult white male’s opinion on this. So I’d like to back the President and say that, yes, it actually is a scary time to be a man.
What do we have to be afraid of, you ask? A lot. So much. Here is just the tip of this fear iceberg - a fearberg.
Making eye contact at the urinal - This is the ultimate fear. Once eye contact has been made there’s no taking it back. This is the stuff that keeps me up at night. No, not “up” like that.
Having my google search history revealed - OMG! It’s not like I’m a terrorist or a paedophile but if any man’s search history was revealed to the world, he’d be instantly banished from civilisation like a leper. Persona non wi-fi.
Hug or handshake - When greeting other men, even your dad, do you go the hug or the hearty handshake? Who the fuck knows? This is what the modern man has to deal with.
Banks - The royal commission has confirmed we all have lots to fear from banks. So why does this make a list of man fears? The gender pay gap of course! We make more money and you know what they say - “mo money mo problems”. Be thankful you don’t make the same as us, ladies.
Spiders - Men are expected to deal with the pests that enter the home. So why am I scared of spiders? Well a spider recently cost a man his house when he used a blowtorch to kill a spider and burnt his house down. Seriously, how else am I meant to deal with spiders?
RSVPing - This is the tricky stuff. Do I RSVP yes, then decide not to go? Or do I get RSVP no, risking that I will change my mind? Gah, this is so hard! No, not hard like that, get your mind out of the gutter.
Polo shirts - What the hell are these things? Are they business with the collar or are they casual like a T-shirt? Polos are the mullet of fashion and women don’t have to deal with them. This may be personal prejudice but polos are only worn by preppy douchebags, men who have given up on life, or worse - golfers.
Body image - Sure, women have body image issues to deal with, but we have our own issues. Hair loss for starters. But the killer - saggy balls. It’s inevitable; the older you get, the saggier they get. The media has set impossibly high standard for ball sacks, that the average guy can’t expected to live up to. You can’t blame us for seeking body validation through dick pics.
Hemsworths - They just make the rest of us look like a LEGO set that’s been assembled incorrectly, and they could break me just like that too. We should vote these guys off our planet.
Organic food/vegans - Glyphosate and pesticides have only made us stronger. It’s like herd immunity of vaccinations. I’m scared we’ll be weaker if we all go organic. Speaking of weak, I’m also afraid of vegans - I mean, they’re weird and different and in this day and age we’ve reached the limit of inclusivity and diversity, and that diversity should end with vegans. To be honest, I’m not too scared because vegans can’t put too much pressure on us, in their weakened state.
Emotional honesty - Terrifying. So here’s my honest emotion - Fuck that!