I haven’t spent my whole life just sitting on this sofa watching television. I have loads of real memories.
When I married Charlene we invited all the neighbours to our wedding. I was bold, she was beautiful. I told her “You know we belong together, you and I forever and ever.” She was my Perfect Match. Dexter had even said we had a 92% compatibility score. We got on the plane as Honeymooners and headed to Fantasy Island. We put on our red bathers and ran down the beach in slow motion. I was no longer The Bachelor.
We bought a place on Coronation Street, made a Home Improvement or two, and in the years that followed, she gave birth to All My Children: Greg, Peter, Bobby, and Beaver. And even though they could be Little Rascals, I couldn’t contain my Glee at being a Family Guy, Married…with Children.
But the Happy Days wouldn’t last. Our family friend, JR, was shot, and that set off a series of vivid flashbacks. I found myself believing I was still in Korea working in a military hospital.
This caused some serious Growing Pains in our relationship and strained our Family Ties. For a long time she was The Good Wife but finally Charlene admitted to an affair with Raymond. I asked her if she loved him. She said everyone did. Finally, I Lost it and went Round the Twist.
I deserted my family and hit the Highway to Heaven.
Some Perfect Strangers put me on to a little place in 90210 I could crash for a while. To help pay the rent, I took in a couple of out-of-towners called Mork and Alf. We were Two and a Half men with a Full House.
My So-Called Life was quickly going off the rails. I’d call up my pals Don Draper and Jimmy McNulty, both of them are total Mad Men, and we’d hit the bars. We liked ones that were Open All Hours - all 24 of them. Pretty soon everyone knew my name at places like Moe’s. I’d act like a real Mentalist and began to think I could dance. Women wouldn’t even turn their chairs around when they heard my Voice yelling at them. My memories of this time are very hazy.
One night I got in a brawl with some barfly called Barney. The last thing I remember before I blacked out was Don yelling, “It’s a Knockout."
I woke up in a hospital bed. A young doctor who looked like George Clooney was looking at my chart. He’d just come from the ER. It was a close call, some parts of my anatomy were still grey but I’d make a full recovery. He said Nurse Jackie would take care of me.
Little did I know I was about to have my first brush with the LA Law. Detective Sipowicz came to the hospital to question me. I asked him, “Are you a True Detective?” He said he was and he’d just transferred from Miami where he’d been investigating crime scenes. The detective told me I was in a lot of trouble, they were going to charge me with harbouring two illegal aliens.
This sent me into a Rage. Mork and Alf were nice, humble guys. Sure, they were quick with a wisecracks (and to be honest, Alf had some odd eating habits), but they were just innocent fish out of water trying to adjust to suburban life one half hour at a time.
When the case went to trial I hired Denny Crane to defend me. He’d started A Country Practice and he’d been recommended by my father, who usually knows best. However, my defence that I’d thought Mork and Alf were just Two Broke Chicks didn’t hold up. Judge Judy found me guilty and sentenced me to do Porridge.
I didn’t take to life on the inside well. My Fear Factor was through the roof. The first thought I had was, "I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here”. Thinking that I wouldn’t be a Survivor, I managed to to team up with some brilliant Criminal Minds to plot a Prison Break.
Using a tunnel dug by Colonel Hogan and his fellow inmates, and with the help of a Guard who ‘knew nothing” turning a blind eye, we managed our Great Escape.
I was a Fugitive with the entire Police Squad after me. I was on run for weeks, but soon my Amazing Race had to end and I gave myself up. I was sent to Alcatraz, but a helpful single, female lawyer Ally McBeal got me a retrial. This time I was acquitted as there wasn’t a Body of Evidence.
Released to the world, I had nowhere to go, so I called the one person I always believed in. My last 50 cents dropped into the pay phone and Charlene picked up. I asked her to put our Family Feud behind us and she agreed. All this time, she was The Good Wife.
So I returned to my Little House on the Prairie, and slowly but surely the Good Times are coming back.
As you can tell, I have lived an eventful life and created many vivid memories. Now, if you could just leave me in peace, Funniest Home Videos is about to come on.
