To: allteam@hell.com
From: thorag@hell.com
Attachments: dresscode.pdf
Subject: Important announcement
Hi team,
Just wanted to touch base and let you know the great work you’ve done lately hasn’t gone unnoticed by management. You should all give yourself a huge pat on the back. Some of the red hot poker stuff the guys in the fourth circle have come up with has been truly inspired. Really imaginative stuff.
Now, it may be Friday afternoon, but we do have an announcement to make:
*** A dress code is being enforced starting next week. ***
Yes, Hell is now a Business Casual workplace.
The full requirements are in the attached pdf. This email should clarify some of the common questions you may have.
With the sprawling immensity of Hell these days you can imagine that keeping everyone on the same page is a Sisyphean task. Dress codes are enforced so that everybody is aligned with the company image. You’ll agree that in this business perception is everything and our clients ask, no, they demand we embody the high standards the name “Hell" implies. We’re professionals and damn good at what we do, so we need our attire to reflect that.
From Monday all staff are expected to abide by the dress code, whether your role is in the sulphur pits, the Forest of Despair, or the more casual surrounds of the vomit pools.
This policy is the result of extensive rounds of brainstorming by the management team. Satan himself signed off on the polo shirts, so no joking about them unless you fancy being disemboweled by the Beast of Slangeron for the next seventeen millennia.
I can understand asbestos chinos may be uncomfortable at first, but the protection they offer from the never-ending flames of hellfire will provide an invaluable boost to productivity. (Look out next month’s KPIs!!!)
Name tags are essential. How do you expect to form a meaningful connection with the pitiful soul whose eyelids you’re sticking skewers underneath if they don’t even know your name?
The required footwear is a small detour from our business casual mantra but you’ll find with the humidity down here that Crocs are a sensible choice for most staff, even for our cloven-hooved staff members. The one exception is in the torture device warehouse where open-toed shoes are forbidden. If you work in that department, uggs will be sufficient.
Anyone found in violation of the dress code will be dealt with swiftly and unmercifully - Do we know any other way? ;)
On the bright side, we expect this initiative to unite us like never before, from highest Infernal Demons to the lowest succubus. Eternal damnation is a team game. We believe this will deliver synergies that amplify our brand, enable us to serve our clients better, and push our work to new heights.
And at the end of the day, we’ll all feel greater job satisfaction knowing we’re part of Team Hell. Plus, laundering work clothes is now tax deductible.
If you have any feedback, please write it on flayed skin and place it in the suggestion box in the lunchroom.
Keep up the brilliantly atrocious work, guys and gals, and have a great weekend.
Thorag Scrotumripper
Demonic Resources Manager
Seventh Circle of Hell
Ext: 662
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