Congratulations!
You truly are a deserving winner of this prestigious award.
You’ve been a self-starter, in that you haven’t listened to a single thing anyone has said to you. As you told us repeatedly, you play by your own rules.
In your short time working here, you have gone above and beyond in taking credit for the work of others and in dragging down the standards of every project you worked on.
This is just reward for your remarkable attention to detail in aggravating every single other member of staff. The way you have driven Warren into therapy has been nothing short of incredible. It’s a skill few of our other employees have displayed.
You have contributed greatly to the office atmosphere, mainly from the kitchen where the smell of your tuna meals have lingered for days. And speaking of supernaturally powerful aromas, there were times when the bathroom was out of bounds after you’d been in there. Once or twice you even had us considering relocating the whole office.
Everything you’ve done has led to failure. Some take it on the chin, not you. You wallowed in misery, got drunk and cried at prodigious volume on the balcony. We’ll never know how you got Cyril, who is currently engaged in a lawsuit against the company, to join in with your drunken crying games, but we have to assume you knew he was a reformed alcoholic going through a messy divorce when you dragged him out there.
You have always been dependable, in that you dependably arrived at work at 10.30 each morning. Most days you get straight down to business. I should remind you that looking at porn in an open plan office isn’t generally viewed as productive work. Even the sounds that emanated from your computer were enough to make Janelle call in sick for three consecutive months.
You could also be relied on for a joke. We all like a joke to lighten what can sometimes be a dull workday, but pawning all the computers was possibly going a bit too far. Activating the fire alarm was amusing at first, but after 16 times in one morning any joke tends to lose its gloss.
You have shown outstanding disregard for our dress code and demonstrated a great passion for online gambling during office hours.
You’ve earned this through your own hard work at being the worst person we could have ever hired. HR had the tough job of choosing a recipient but in the end it was unanimous, in fact, no one else was seriously considered. That’s how far ahead you were in the judging.
We now bestow upon you the title of Unemployee of the Month. This award comes with four weeks severance and a cardboard box filled with a photo of your ugly dog, and the stupid troll dolls from your former desk.
