Doctors issue alert over new strain of coronavirus: Man-COVID.

***AN IMPORTANT HEALTH MESSAGE***

Doctors issue alert over new strain of coronavirus: Man-COVID.

Fears were confirmed yesterday when doctors revealed the discovery of a new strain of coronavirus.

Citing its virulence and debilitating effects for 50% of the population, the condition has been dubbed "Man-COVID".

Sufferers say the symptoms are worse than regular COVID and include cough, sore throat, shortness of breath, aches and fatigue that results in total incapacity to work, either at a job or around the house.

Dr. Patricia Wallace of the Alfred Hospital said it was unlike any virus she had seen and had confounded her team. "After an initial phase that patients describe as feeling near death, we find it tends to clear up by the weekend. Symptoms then seem to mysteriously re-intensify on Sunday evening", Dr Wallace said.

"Oddly the best treatment seems to be having a Saturday golf game planned." Even with the use of PPE, several male members of her team had succumbed to the virus.

Dr. Wallace's team also observed that while female COVID patients tidied up and even helped feed other patients, despite being on ventilation themselves, the male patients just groaned that they could literally die from the sniffles.

Speaking from his sick bed via Zoom, Man-COVID sufferer, Eamon Duntz, told us, "If I cancel Friday night pub with the boys, then the virus wins. Not on my watch." Asked if the energetic display meant he'd be able to return to his job before the end of the week, Duntz claimed that he couldn't because he expected a wicked case of the squirts coming on. When told that this wasn't a known symptom of Man-COVID, he appeared delirious before turning defiant, "I could have a brain tumour. I've Googled it."

The patient then paused to ring a bell to alert his girlfriend about his empty juice cup and ask for a cool cloth to dab his forehead. Luckily for Eamon, with all the damage it can wreak on the male body, Man-COVID leaves the sense of entitlement largely unaffected.

Victorians still not permitted to remove mask of detached smugness.

On Sunday morning the Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews announced that a raft of restrictions put in place to restrain the coronavirus were to be lifted. From midnight changes were to be introduced around how many people can visit private dwellings and gather inside places of business, plus face masks were to no longer be mandatory outside.

But one rule for Victorians which remained unchanged was the rule around wearing a constant mask of detached smugness.

After having guided the state to three weeks of zero new cases of COVID-19, Mr Andrews announced the measures with his own mask of smugness firmly in place.

"Now more than ever, we need to get back to what makes Victoria great. Our sporting events, our arts, and our epic levels of smugness. I intend to stay the course," said the Premier standing firm.

The mask, long considered mandatory for all Victorians, is said to have been arisen due to a number of unique factors including cultural elitism, sporting events, Melbourne's live music scene and, for some reason, coffee.

Speaking after the premier, Chief Health Officer Brett Sutton spoke behind his own mask of detached smugness of why the rule was to stay. "Victoria is made up of a unique cross-section of social groups with high concentrations of hipsters, privileged progressives and outright douchenozzles. It makes us more predisposed to smug than other parts of the country."

The measures were not universally lauded. A small group of anti-smug protestors from the group, ANTISMU, gathered yesterday to fight against the masks. Police quickly quelled the protestors by reminding them of Melbourne's amazing laneway street art. Smugness was soon returned to normal levels.

While the state government was taking credit for the effectiveness of the smugness mask, its widespread adoption was perfected under the Kennett government.

Native fauna returns to shopping malls

Shopping centre Greensborough Plaza, known to locals as Greensy, is usually the scene for weekend family shopping trips and recreational drug deals. But the current coronavirus lockdown is having an unintended effect as local wildlife returns to areas they once roamed freely. 

One who has witnessed this return of the wild is keychain stall owner and essential worker, Anthony Camira. He said, “We first started to see the odd curious lizard, then came the flocks of cockatoos descending on John’s Nuts. When the dingos took over the Foot Locker I knew something weird was up”. 

While the humans are self-isolating the empty malls have seen an array of native species venturing further into the centre and making themselves at home. “I’ve seen hordes of kangaroos in the Kmart, echidnas waddling past JB Hifi, and once I even saw a wombat riding the escalators,” said Mr Camira. “In the past I thought the gangs of teenagers were bad, but the possums are loitering in the food court like hoodlums. You can’t go near that place without getting hissed at. It’s their food court now.” 

On a positive note, local conservationists were pleased at the sighting of a large wedge-tailed eagle nest inside the Smiggle outlet. Hikers wanting to get a glimpse of any of the wildlife are warning to watch out for the cassowary roaming the third level. 

What was previously the domain of humans is no longer so clear cut. With restrictions set to be eased in the near future, it’s yet to be seen who will win the coming battle for territorial dominance. 

Paul Kelly to help Australians in lockdown with new song detailing more uses for gravy.

Australians in lockdown due to coronavirus received a boost today from one of the country’s finest songwriters. Paul Kelly, known for his recipe-based Christmas song “How to Make Gravy”, has returned to lend his support for those doing it tough in self-isolation with a new tune, “How to Use Gravy (in a Crisis)”.

In a statement, Kelly explained, “Gravy is simple to make at home with a few simple ingredients, as I outlined in How to Make Gravy. My new song gets more practical. People will be really surprised to learn how versatile gravy is. It’s amazing stuff.” 

“In the first verse I describe how to use gravy to regrout your bathroom tiles. It goes on smooth but dries hard. It’s an easy job that most people put off but with more time on your hands, now is the perfect time to tackle a job like that.”

But it’s not just the bathroom that Kelly sets his sights on, it’s also the bedroom. “Lockdown is affecting many people’s libido, and if you’re isolating alone or with partner, gravy makes a fantastic lube,” Kelly said of the gelatinous sauce. 

The other seventeen verses go on to describe other methods for applying gravy to your everyday life, such as how leftover gravy can be rolled into a rubbery ball to keep the kids stuck at home occupied for hours. 

Kelly added one last piece of advice for those planning to apply his words: “Whether you’re using gravy for grout or lube, just remember to add a dollop of tomato sauce for sweetness and that extra tang.” 

“How to Use Gravy (in a Crisis)” is set to hit streaming services on Friday.

I was the original shrug emoji ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You might have seen me around. 

Maybe I was introduced to you by one of your friends. 

You could have texted me once or twice. Or perhaps it was the time I slid into your DMs. 

Yes, I am the original shrug emoji. 

It’s my one claim to fame, and the one people ask me about all the time. So how did I become a famous and much copied emoji? 

Well, I didn’t always have the laissez-faire attitude you see today. Truth be told, I used to be quite anxious and way more uptight. Looking back to when I was growing up my face was more of a :-/  I was indecisive and more than a little cynical, even at such a tender age. 

My parents’ reputations cast a long shadow. My old man :-) was a legend in the industry and my mum :D had a great sense of humour. She was almost as famous as Dad. Sadly, I didn’t inherit either their sunny demeanour or outsized ambition. I didn’t have the cheek of my sister ;-) or the outgoing nature and distinctive features of :^) my big-nosed cousin.

Throughout my early years, dad would make me practice each night, trying different expressions to find one I could make my own. Both my parents pushed me hard. They tried to hide their disappointment when all I could muster would be yet another :-/ or on a good day :-|

Although I tried my best, it was never good enough. They always looked at me like :P

One day when I finally had enough of being judged, I left the family home not knowing if I’d ever return. 

For years I worked odd jobs, mostly in communications, anything to earn a living. But there was always a hollow feeling inside. 

In time, the weight of expectation lifted from my shoulders. I realised I’d simply given up trying to please people. I didn’t need to prove anything. 

Eventually, I decided to return home. The prodigal son. When I got back you couldn’t take the smiles off Mum and dad’s faces. Even though that’s how they normally looked I could tell they were thrilled. They were full of questions: Where had I been all these years? Why didn’t I call? How was I feeling?  

And then it happened. The moment (and the reaction) that changed my life forever...

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The effect was instant. It felt as if the room had frozen. It was :-o all around. As it sunk in, my parents recognised what had happened. They’d had their own epiphanies when they came of age and now it was happening to their son. 

With my newfound honesty, came a kind of freedom. The freedom to just throw my hands in the air and say, “Fuck it!”.

The more I did it, the more praise I received. I was a hit. 

But it wasn’t all big grins and cheeky winks. I was in so many places, emails, online comments, even the odd sext, that I began to get sick of my own face. My attitude changed. I didn’t care and I didn’t care who knew it. As luck would have it, I started to get known for that too. 

It took a few stern words from close friends like >:-( for me to come to my senses.  

I realised I had a purpose and that purpose was to not knowing, not caring and being generally upbeat about it all. 

I never thought I’d be anything but a footnote in emoji family history. These days there are so many ripoffs of what I do, even 3D versions, which look nice but will never beat the original. I’m sorry if that sounds arrogant but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Now the pressure that was once on me has fallen onto my younger brother as we wait to see how he’ll develop. He’s trying way too hard of course. And he’s still so immature. So far all he’s managed are ( .)(. ) and this one he thinks of as his masterpiece  8=====D~~~

He’ll get there eventually. If my experience is anything to go by, the secret is that only when you have no more fucks left to give, will you find exactly where you’re meant to be. 

You Look Well

Hi.

You look well. 

You look well. 

Isn’t it weird to say “You look well”?

It’s profoundly neutral. Non-committal. 

It’s not a scale of: "You look well" at the top. Then "you look ok” in the middle. Followed by "Fuck, you look terrible! Should I call someone?" 

It means you don’t look visibly ill.  

You’re not on fire. 

There aren’t wild animals tearing shreds off you…at this precise moment. 

There could have been…but there aren’t. 

You look well. 

It’s not like “Darren, I saw you last week and you did not look well. That whole flesh-eating bacteria thing you had really cleared right up and now you look well”. 

“Hi Emily, it appears that leg you had amputated yesterday has grown back and now -…you look well”. 

You also can’t say "You look well” that often. It’s not an every day greeting. 

There has to be enough time elapsed between the last time you saw someone to warrant the “you look well”. You have to give people the chance for them to not be well in order to justify the “you look well”. You give someone the "You look well” - three weeks pass, then..."I see you weren’t hit by a car in the past three weeks, you didn’t contract tuberculosis, or get herpes of the everything - In fact, I can categorically say You look well!"

Some people go out of their way to say you look well. It makes you suspicious. It’s like they’re surprised you’re upright and walking. 

“Last time I saw you I was expecting you to explode from morbid obesity but, surprise, you’re still alive, therefore you look well.”

The other implication is “you’ve looked worse”. "You haven’t bled from the eyeballs for all the time we’ve been speaking today, good for you. You know what, you look well."

And pregnant women. They say “oh, aren’t you glowing! You’re glowing. Oh my, you’re glowing” They don’t look up and down sceptically, surprised and say…you look…well? This whole (baby) thing…despite all that…looking well. 

“Well" - It’s neutral. It’s nothing. 

It’s like "How ya going?...Nah, don’t tell me. Just how ya going?” 

It actually is a scary time to be a man

Donald Trump has said a lot of contentious things in the past couple of years. One I’d like to focus on is “it’s a scary time to be a man” that he said in the wake of the interrogation of Brett Kavanaugh before Bretty's appointment to the US Supreme Court. Some people have commented satirically, but I don’t think we’ve heard enough of an adult white male’s opinion on this. So I’d like to back the President and say that, yes, it actually is a scary time to be a man.

What do we have to be afraid of, you ask? A lot. So much. Here is just the tip of this fear iceberg - a fearberg.

Making eye contact at the urinal - This is the ultimate fear. Once eye contact has been made there’s no taking it back. This is the stuff that keeps me up at night. No, not “up” like that.

Having my google search history revealed - OMG! It’s not like I’m a terrorist or a paedophile but if any man’s search history was revealed to the world, he’d be instantly banished from civilisation like a leper. Persona non wi-fi.

Hug or handshake - When greeting other men, even your dad, do you go the hug or the hearty handshake? Who the fuck knows? This is what the modern man has to deal with.

Banks - The royal commission has confirmed we all have lots to fear from banks. So why does this make a list of man fears? The gender pay gap of course! We make more money and you know what they say - “mo money mo problems”. Be thankful you don’t make the same as us, ladies.

Spiders - Men are expected to deal with the pests that enter the home. So why am I scared of spiders? Well a spider recently cost a man his house when he used a blowtorch to kill a spider and burnt his house down. Seriously, how else am I meant to deal with spiders?

RSVPing - This is the tricky stuff. Do I RSVP yes, then decide not to go? Or do I get RSVP no, risking that I will change my mind? Gah, this is so hard! No, not hard like that, get your mind out of the gutter.

Polo shirts - What the hell are these things? Are they business with the collar or are they casual like a T-shirt? Polos are the mullet of fashion and women don’t have to deal with them. This may be personal prejudice but polos are only worn by preppy douchebags, men who have given up on life, or worse - golfers.

Body image - Sure, women have body image issues to deal with, but we have our own issues. Hair loss for starters. But the killer - saggy balls. It’s inevitable; the older you get, the saggier they get. The media has set impossibly high standard for ball sacks, that the average guy can’t expected to live up to. You can’t blame us for seeking body validation through dick pics.

Hemsworths - They just make the rest of us look like a LEGO set that’s been assembled incorrectly, and they could break me just like that too. We should vote these guys off our planet.

Organic food/vegans - Glyphosate and pesticides have only made us stronger. It’s like herd immunity of vaccinations. I’m scared we’ll be weaker if we all go organic. Speaking of weak, I’m also afraid of vegans - I mean, they’re weird and different and in this day and age we’ve reached the limit of inclusivity and diversity, and that diversity should end with vegans. To be honest, I’m not too scared because vegans can’t put too much pressure on us, in their weakened state.

Emotional honesty - Terrifying. So here’s my honest emotion - Fuck that!

An open letter from the lump of coal Scott Morrison brought into parliament

Hello Australia. I’m Carl. You might remember me from the time I was smuggled into your parliament and waved about during question time. Yes, I’m that lump of coal.

I never expected any of this. Didn’t expect the overnight fame and never sought it out. And honestly, I’m rather embarrassed to be involved at all. I often ask myself, why me? Why couldn’t it happen to Jimmy? He was always performing musical numbers. As a young fossil, we all thought if any of us were going to make the national stage it was going to be Jimmy. But as fate would have it, I was the one chosen from the millions of tonnes of coal your country mines each year.

For those only familiar with my few minutes in the national spotlight, let me explain what went down. It was a rough week and one I won’t easily forget. I’d been having a nap for about 300 million years when I was woken first with drilling, then by miners with a jackhammer. You know how it feels to be woken by a lawnmower on Sunday morning? Well, a jackhammer is like that but about a thousand times worse. It’s a pretty rude way to meet your first humans.

After being taken in a truck to a storage pile I began to calm down as I was with several thousand of my friends. But my relief was shortlived as I was kidnapped. A darkened bag lined with bubbles of air was put over me and I was transported to a second location. I later learned this is a torture method known as “Australia Post”.

After many days of being transported, my bag was torn open. The air was cool and I was placed on a desk made of very fine mahogany. Some of my best friends were mahogany before they were fossilised. I overheard someone mention this was Canberra and could sense this was not going to be a place I’d enjoy.

It didn’t take long before I was being moved again. What was to become of me, I had no idea. Was I to be burnt? Used as paperweight? Put in a Christmas stocking as a novelty? Sadly, the truth was much closer to the last option.

That afternoon I was smuggled into the House in nothing more than a Coles shopping bag. Haven’t they heard? Those things are bad for the environment.

From there, you saw what happened next.

I felt used; Used to scare one group of people, and used as an object of amusement for the other. You could say I was the punchline in a cheap gag.

It was abuse (and my sort are okay with being burned alive). I wasn’t comfortable with being a prop. Take me or leave me, but don’t parade me like a freak, to be subjected to judgement from all sides. I was so embarrassed and judging by the colour of his face, so was the chap I was handed to after I’d been waved through the air.

After that day I was all people were talking about. It was embarrassing I couldn’t go outside. Lots of people were yelling and writing nasty things about me. I don’t want to cause any trouble. Frankly, I was pretty happy laying in the ground. It was cool and quiet and I wasn’t getting trapped in the atmosphere.

I realise I’m out of fashion. Why our popularity has lasted this long is difficult to work out, we’ve had our time in the sun. And speaking of the sun, that big ball of burning gas, why don’t you use that more for energy. I hear it’s pretty good at the job we’ve been doing. We’re fossils. Literally. But after being used as a prop for dinosaurs to use to defend continuing to burn those like me - the irony wan’t lost on me.

Like all people who are famous for a short time, it understandable you ask where are they now? Well, I’m still in Canberra. I spend my days in a storage cupboard. It’s dark and uneventful, just how I like it. And I can hardly go back underground now. I’m happy to slip out of the spotlight. Oh, and I’ve just learned what coral is. It’s very pretty and so are the fish that live on it. Bet your tourists would enjoy that more than anything in Canberra.

After all I was put through, I don’t actually have any hard feelings. And although I would like an apology, I say let bygones be bygones. It’s ancient history, kind of like most of us fossil fuels - lol. Sometimes I think back to this whole fiasco and wonder how Scott Morrison is doing these days? After a stunt like that I’d be surprised if you’d ever heard from him again.

Baby 2: It's Alive!

Baby 2: It’s Alive! 

93 minutes. Rated R.

Arriving with great fanfare just in time for summer comes Baby 2: It’s Alive!. 

This long awaited sequel is sure to be this year’s blockbuster hit with the legion of fans generated by the original, Baby: The Birthening, just over four years ago. 

Opening night was a midnight session at a hospital, an appropriate setting for such scenes of sheer horror. 

The opening car chase sequence and its accompanying stream of obscenities promises thrilling drama, but it’s decidedly downhill from there. The plot is almost a direct retread of the first one; it’s as if the creators have already run out of ideas. 

During the first Baby I remember being sweaty, pale and coming close to throwing up a couple of times. And while newcomers will find that the shocks are still there, those familiar with the first Baby will find this one lacks the same edge. 

Oh sure, there’s plenty of gratuitous nudity and painful things bodies just shouldn’t do. This time though, it’s all so predictable – the screaming, the blood, the clichéd ending. 

My main criticism is that the gore was unnecessarily heavy-handed. I understand the blood, but did there have to be poop too? The scene where an umbilical cord is hacked in twain with a pair of blunt scissors will live on in this reviewer’s memory for some time to come, not to mention a stitching scene that would have Human Centipede fans feeling a little squeamish. Some things can’t be unseen.

On the plus side, just when you think the tension can’t get any more intense, the titular baby arrives. Played by a newcomer, this cameo is the highlight of the Baby experience. It’s an understatement to say this kid has a bright future. Soon after his arrival it was just a matter of cleaning up a few loose ends.

The running time was a very taut 90 minutes, which is a triumph.

Baby 2 reportedly had a tough gestation; The crew were stretched to their limits and several actresses, including Scarlett Johannsen, turned down the leading role. The project was also beset by budget issues with each project soaking up more than $250,000. Those sorts of figures will have a huge bearing on whether the franchise continues.

Although one of the producers swore “Never again” at various times during production, she’s already in talks about a third. The original Baby, a girl, was a cult hit; this time the producers opted for a boy, a calculated move aimed purely at reaching a more mainstream audience. If the third gets the green light, can I suggest they at least attempt to provide some kind of twist in the ending – black baby perhaps?

Initial reviews have been impressive. Its supporters claim it delivers an improvement that builds on the original and argue that it’s a must-see for family and friends. Frankly, I just felt ill most of the time. 

Overall, Baby 2 is not for the faint-hearted. It makes for a reasonable night’s entertainment but the novelty wears off pretty quickly. 

2 stars.

The Family Draft

As you know, this week marks the start of the trade period. 

For this family to make it to the top, to move up the ladder to where we deserve to be, we need to be prepared to make some tough choices, and to trade aggressively to build the team to take us forwards. 

No one gets anywhere without making sacrifices and we may not be able to keep all of you on our list.  

Our plan is to be smart and patient. Some families want their kids to grow up faster than is naturally possible. We won’t resort to the tactics like that family from Essendon. Those parents claim to not even know what they were feeding their mob. (The little monsters are no doubt going to have problems later in life.)

Over this period we may look to expand our playing group by drafting fresh talent. Some of you could be sidelined or let go into the national draft. Now is the period to take a good long hard look at yourself. I’m sure you’ll accept this assessment as the professionals you are.

William, you had an eye-catching rookie season. Babies always do. Your ball work was exemplary and your trademark blue booties have become a favourite with the fans. But you won’t be able to crawl under the radar next year, the opposition won’t cut you any slack. Being cute has got you this far but now the opposition know your tricks and you’ll have to come up with some fresh moves to stay ahead of the fresh wave of cute rookies and still be a prolific ball winner in 2014. 

Charlotte, you’ve played with a rare determination until long past your bedtime. We’ve encouraged you to use your natural flair to your advantage. Sometimes you’ve given your all until you were overtired and cried like a little girl. But I don’t need to remind you you’re now a veteran of five years. You should be hitting your prime. Reading, writing, showing some talent that will net us millions. (Have you even auditioned for X-Factor?) Frankly, you have been all talk so far. It’s time to put the score on the board. You haven’t reached your potential and that makes you attractive trade bait. Other families will be looking to bolster their list with a mature age recruit. Who knows? We might even get a first round pick for you. It’d also free up room in the salary cap letting us target a big name player - who wouldn’t want that Franklin kid on their roster? 

Admittedly, restricted free agency could have serious ramifications for us. We may not be able to maintain the services of everyone we want. Our little club doesn’t have masses of extra cash to throw at the playing group. And I’m well aware we don’t have the profile and prestige of say the Hawthorns or the Collingwoods with their huge homes. I expect some of you will be tempted to look at what is on offer elsewhere in search of greater opportunity and more game time. If you’re looking for extra pocket money and are lured by that cashed up family of losers from Greater Western Sydney, then I say, “Go, we don’t need you”. 

We can’t promise you the big bucks, but know this: we are building towards the big one. That’s right - a movie trip, maybe even with a choc top. On that one afternoon in September, depending on what’s showing, you could be holding aloft the cup (filled with the beverage of your choice). 

We still have high hopes for you and we’re moulding you as a playing group. Each and every member of our team is vital to our chances. Because we’re not a family of champions, we’re a champion family. (Except for the ones who don’t make the grade.) 

Hell Goes Business Casual

To: allteam@hell.com

From: thorag@hell.com

Attachments: dresscode.pdf

Subject: Important announcement 

Hi team,

Just wanted to touch base and let you know the great work you’ve done lately hasn’t gone unnoticed by management. You should all give yourself a huge pat on the back. Some of the red hot poker stuff the guys in the fourth circle have come up with has been truly inspired. Really imaginative stuff. 

Now, it may be Friday afternoon, but we do have an announcement to make:

*** A dress code is being enforced starting next week. ***

Yes, Hell is now a Business Casual workplace. 

The full requirements are in the attached pdf. This email should clarify some of the common questions you may have. 

With the sprawling immensity of Hell these days you can imagine that keeping everyone on the same page is a Sisyphean task. Dress codes are enforced so that everybody is aligned with the company image. You’ll agree that in this business perception is everything and our clients ask, no, they demand we embody the high standards the name “Hell" implies. We’re professionals and damn good at what we do, so we need our attire to reflect that. 

From Monday all staff are expected to abide by the dress code, whether your role is in the sulphur pits, the Forest of Despair, or the more casual surrounds of the vomit pools.

This policy is the result of extensive rounds of brainstorming by the management team. Satan himself signed off on the polo shirts, so no joking about them unless you fancy being disemboweled by the Beast of Slangeron for the next seventeen millennia. 

I can understand asbestos chinos may be uncomfortable at first, but the protection they offer from the never-ending flames of hellfire will provide an invaluable boost to productivity. (Look out next month’s KPIs!!!)

Name tags are essential. How do you expect to form a meaningful connection with the pitiful soul whose eyelids you’re sticking skewers underneath if they don’t even know your name? 

The required footwear is a small detour from our business casual mantra but you’ll find with the humidity down here that Crocs are a sensible choice for most staff, even for our cloven-hooved staff members. The one exception is in the torture device warehouse where open-toed shoes are forbidden. If you work in that department, uggs will be sufficient. 

Anyone found in violation of the dress code will be dealt with swiftly and unmercifully - Do we know any other way? ;) 

On the bright side, we expect this initiative to unite us like never before, from highest Infernal Demons to the lowest succubus. Eternal damnation is a team game. We believe this will deliver synergies that amplify our brand, enable us to serve our clients better, and push our work to new heights. 

And at the end of the day, we’ll all feel greater job satisfaction knowing we’re part of Team Hell. Plus, laundering work clothes is now tax deductible.

If you have any feedback, please write it on flayed skin and place it in the suggestion box in the lunchroom. 

Keep up the brilliantly atrocious work, guys and gals, and have a great weekend. 

Thorag Scrotumripper

Demonic Resources Manager

Seventh Circle of Hell

Ext: 662

================================

Unemployee of the Month

Congratulations!

You truly are a deserving winner of this prestigious award.

You’ve been a self-starter, in that you haven’t listened to a single thing anyone has said to you. As you told us repeatedly, you play by your own rules.

In your short time working here, you have gone above and beyond in taking credit for the work of others and in dragging down the standards of every project you worked on.

This is just reward for your remarkable attention to detail in aggravating every single other member of staff.  The way you have driven Warren into therapy has been nothing short of incredible. It’s a skill few of our other employees have displayed.

You have contributed greatly to the office atmosphere, mainly from the kitchen where the smell of your tuna meals have lingered for days. And speaking of supernaturally powerful aromas, there were times when the bathroom was out of bounds after you’d been in there. Once or twice you even had us considering relocating the whole office.

Everything you’ve done has led to failure. Some take it on the chin, not you. You wallowed in misery, got drunk and cried at prodigious volume on the balcony. We’ll never know how you got Cyril, who is currently engaged in a lawsuit against the company, to join in with your drunken crying games, but we have to assume you knew he was a reformed alcoholic going through a messy divorce when you dragged him out there.

You have always been dependable, in that you dependably arrived at work at 10.30 each morning. Most days you get straight down to business. I should remind you that looking at porn in an open plan office isn’t generally viewed as productive work. Even the sounds that emanated from your computer were enough to make Janelle call in sick for three consecutive months.

You could also be relied on for a joke. We all like a joke to lighten what can sometimes be a dull workday, but pawning all the computers was possibly going a bit too far.  Activating the fire alarm was amusing at first, but after 16 times in one morning any joke tends to lose its gloss.

You have shown outstanding disregard for our dress code and demonstrated a great passion for online gambling during office hours.

You’ve earned this through your own hard work at being the worst person we could have ever hired. HR had the tough job of choosing a recipient but in the end it was unanimous, in fact, no one else was seriously considered. That’s how far ahead you were in the judging.

We now bestow upon you the title of Unemployee of the Month. This award comes with four weeks severance and a cardboard box filled with a photo of your ugly dog, and the stupid troll dolls from your former desk. 

Bruce McAvaney's Games of Thrones Season Preview

Game of Thrones season preview
by Bruce McAvaney

It’s been almost ten months since that memorable grand final. Since then we’ve been salivating at the prospect of this opening round. Winter is coming, so let’s take a look at the teams and their prospects for the 2015 Game of Thrones season.

Winterfell Direwolves
The once premiership contenders have been decimated by injuries, mainly of the stabbing variety. Lost their heads at key moments. Wasted a strong home ground advantage and currently looking for a new home. Evasive skills of some their young players could prove valuable but will be some seasons before they get back to their best.

King’s Landing Kingslayers
Key losses and team disunity last season led to new leadership for 2015. Some think King Tommen is too young to lead but Margery promises to make a man of him. Jamie Lannister is still formidable but isn’t the player he used to be. Need some players to lend him a hand. Consistent MVP, Tyrion Lannister, is trying his luck as free agent. Best recruit: Ser Pounce

Mereen Dragons
Could this finally be Dany’s season? She’s drafted well. Powerful up front with three huge dragons: Drogon, Tippett and Buddy. Very intimidating as long as they stick to the gameplan. Committed team that would put their balls on their line, if they had any. Crucified some opposition last season, but will have to learn to win on the road, and across the Narrow Sea, if they’re to top the standings. Tough to see any weaknesses. Biggest danger could be sexy distraction with that Daario/Fabio guy wandering around.

Baratheon Fire
Last season’s northern derby between the Castle Black Crows and the Beyond- the-Wall Wildings looked like it could finish a few careers, but some back room deals brought about an unlikely merger. It could prove decisive for the team now led by Stannis Baratheon. Coached by Melissandre, “the Red Woman”, he suddenly looks like championship material. There’s fire in their bellies, and maybe some smoke babies too. Key defender Jon Snow doesn’t know much but he is delicious. Snow copped an injury last season, three arrows in the back, but fought back for a big late season win over the Giants. Braavos has bankrolled Stannis’s team, but for how long? Biggest threat: The salary cap.

Dorne Sandsnakes
A new team with a lot to play for this year. They’re already out for revenge, so they’ll fit right into this league. What little we’ve seen in the off season has been impressive; They could be deadly, or sexy, but if last season’s MVP, Inigo Montoya, was anything to go by they’ll probably they’ll be deadly sexy. At least until they get their heads popped like grapes.

Dreadnaught Flayers
Won few fans last year with their style of play and insidious tactics. Had an upset win over the Direwolves. Their X-factor, Ramsay Bolton, could have been suspended for rough conduct but wasn’t reported by the umpires. Capable of anything and could surprise a few more teams this season.

Iron Islands Raiders
Set for a delicious showdown with the Flayers at some point. But really, who knows when this mob will show up?

White Walkers
Always very active in recruiting. Have resurrected more careers than GWS. Last year looked to draft some more rookies. On the outside can threaten the best. Must stop going to pieces when about to tackle Sam Tarly. Will prove a stronger unit in the chilly latter part of the season.

They Weren't All Happy Days

I haven’t spent my whole life just sitting on this sofa watching television. I have loads of real memories.   

When I married Charlene we invited all the neighbours to our wedding. I was bold, she was beautiful. I told her “You know we belong together, you and I forever and ever.” She was my Perfect Match. Dexter had even said we had a 92% compatibility score. We got on the plane as Honeymooners and headed to Fantasy Island. We put on our red bathers and ran down the beach in slow motion. I was no longer The Bachelor. 

We bought a place on Coronation Street, made a Home Improvement or two, and in the years that followed, she gave birth to All My Children: Greg, Peter, Bobby, and Beaver. And even though they could be Little Rascals, I couldn’t contain my Glee at being a Family Guy, Married…with Children.  

But the Happy Days wouldn’t last. Our family friend, JR, was shot, and that set off a series of vivid flashbacks. I found myself believing I was still in Korea working in a military hospital. 

This caused some serious Growing Pains in our relationship and strained our Family Ties. For a long time she was The Good Wife but finally Charlene admitted to an affair with Raymond. I asked her if she loved him. She said everyone did. Finally, I Lost it and went Round the Twist. 

I deserted my family and hit the Highway to Heaven. 

Some Perfect Strangers put me on to a little place in 90210 I could crash for a while. To help pay the rent, I took in a couple of out-of-towners called Mork and Alf. We were Two and a Half men with a Full House.  

My So-Called Life was quickly going off the rails. I’d call up my pals Don Draper and Jimmy McNulty, both of them are total Mad Men, and we’d hit the bars. We liked ones that were Open All Hours - all 24 of them. Pretty soon everyone knew my name at places like Moe’s. I’d act like a real Mentalist and began to think I could dance. Women wouldn’t even turn their chairs around when they heard my Voice yelling at them. My memories of this time are very hazy. 

One night I got in a  brawl with some barfly called Barney. The last thing I remember before I blacked out was Don yelling, “It’s a Knockout." 

I woke up in a hospital bed. A young doctor who looked like George Clooney was looking at my chart. He’d just come from the ER. It was a close call, some parts of my anatomy were still grey but I’d make a full recovery. He said Nurse Jackie would take care of me. 

Little did I know I was about to have my first brush with the LA Law. Detective Sipowicz came to the hospital to question me. I asked him, “Are you a True Detective?” He said he was and he’d just transferred from Miami where he’d been investigating crime scenes. The detective told me I was in a lot of trouble, they were going to charge me with harbouring two illegal aliens. 

This sent me into a Rage. Mork and Alf were nice, humble guys. Sure, they were quick with a wisecracks (and to be honest, Alf had some odd eating habits), but they were just innocent fish out of water trying to adjust to suburban life one half hour at a time. 

When the case went to trial I hired Denny Crane to defend me. He’d started A Country Practice and he’d been recommended by my father, who usually knows best. However, my defence that I’d thought Mork and Alf were just Two Broke Chicks didn’t hold up. Judge Judy found me guilty and sentenced me to do Porridge.   

I didn’t take to life on the inside well. My Fear Factor was through the roof. The first thought I had was, "I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here”.  Thinking that I wouldn’t be a Survivor, I managed to  to team up with some brilliant Criminal Minds to plot a Prison Break. 

Using a tunnel dug by Colonel Hogan and his fellow inmates, and with the help of a Guard who ‘knew nothing” turning a blind eye, we managed our Great Escape.

I was a Fugitive with the entire Police Squad after me. I was on run for weeks, but soon my Amazing Race had to end and I gave myself up. I was sent to Alcatraz, but a helpful single, female lawyer Ally McBeal got me a retrial. This time I was acquitted as there wasn’t a Body of Evidence. 

Released to the world, I had nowhere to go, so I called the one person I always believed in. My last 50 cents dropped into the pay phone and Charlene picked up. I asked her to put our Family Feud behind us and she agreed. All this time, she was The Good Wife. 

So I returned to my Little House on the Prairie, and slowly but surely the Good Times are coming back. 


As you can tell, I have lived an eventful life and created many vivid memories. Now, if you could just leave me in peace, Funniest Home Videos is about to come on.